The Magic of Music, Part 1

Music is such a powerful thing. Done right, it can invoke such strong reactions in the listener. It completely changes the tone of a scene in a movie or tv show, can get you moving on a run, or make a long drive a little more exciting.

Guess where I’m going with this.

That’s right, an endo playlist!

Sometimes, you want some songs that resonate with the pain and loneliness. Sometimes, you want something to offer hope, or buoy up your fighting spirit. Below, I’ve set out five songs that I love to listen to when I’m having a bad time.

Because this is a really huge post, I’m splitting it into two.  Keep your eyes peeled (what a weird phrase) for part 2 and another five songs shortly.

1) Head Above Water, by Avril Lavigne

I have been an Avril fan since I was a little quasi-emo teen. This song is definitely not classic Avril, but it really showcases her amazing vocal talent regardless. Written in the depths of her fear and hopelessness as she battled Lyme Disease, you know listening that this woman gets it. There’s despair, there’s hope, there’s pain, there’s resignation, there’s a cry for help. It has it all.

I’ve gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don’t want less, I don’t want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
Yeah, my life is what I’m fighting for
Can’t part the sea, can’t reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won’t let this pull me overboard
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown
So pull me up from down below
‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Keep my head above water, above water
And I can’t see in the stormy weather
I can’t seem to keep it all together
And I, I can’t swim the ocean like this forever
And I can’t breathe
God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I’ll be waiting
I’m too young to fall asleep
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown (don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
Don’t let me drown (don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
Keep my head above water, above water

My favourite line: “So pull me up from down below, cause I’m underneath the undertow.  Come dry me off and hold me close, I need you now, I need you most.”

Listen when: you feel like no one understands

2) Heart Full of Scars, by Rebecca Black

This song isn’t about chronic illness, but it had such a fighter vibe. It’s about someone just owning their situation and doing what they need to get through it. It always peps me up a bit.

Stop
Don’t tell me how to feel
These scars will never heal
Overnight
I’m just searching for what’s real
It’s hard enough to deal
With life
Learn to say f*** it, take my time
Life’s a bitch but I’ll make it mine
Make it, make it, make it mine
Learn to take it as a sign
If you don’t like me, get in line
You won’t break me, break me with your lies
Sometimes you bleed for who you are
It’s hard to love with a heart full of scars
I won’t feed into your dark
I’ll keep loving with a heart full of scars
(Heart full of scars)
You’re never gonna keep me down
Doesn’t really matter what you’d say
I’m not living for yesterday
(Heart full of scars)
I’ve figured out how to turn it around
I’m learning how to bend, not break
A full life is give not take
(Heart full of scars)
Done with doubt and overthinking
Wait for it to sink in
I’m enough
Sick of try’na to be your perfect
The pain is never worth it
Never was
Learn to say f*** it, take my time
Life’s a bitch but I’ll make it mine
Make it, make it, make it mine
Learn to take it as a sign
If you don’t like me, get in line
You won’t break me, break me with your lies
Sometimes you bleed for who you are
It’s hard to love with a heart full of scars
I won’t feed into your dark
I’ll keep loving with a heart full of scars
(Heart full of scars)
You’re never gonna keep me down
Doesn’t really matter what you’d say
I’m not living for yesterday
(Heart full of scars)
I’ve figured out how to turn it around
I’m learning how to bend, not break
A full life is give not take
(Heart full of scars)
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh
You’re never gonna keep me down
Doesn’t really matter what you’d say
I’m not living for yesterday
(Heart full of scars)
I’ve figured out how to turn it around
I’m learning how to bend, not break
A full life is give not take
(Heart full of scars)

 

Favourite line: “I won’t feed into your dark, I’ll keep on loving with a heart full of scars.”

Listen when: you need a pep up after someone gives you a hard time about your illness (even if it’s you)

3) Full of Grace, by Sarah McLachlan

Darling of the late 90s, Sarah McLachlan specialises in heartbroken, wistful songs. Full of Grace probably isn’t about endometriosis, but it perfectly captures the devastating impact endo can have on relationships.

The winter here’s cold and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

Favourite line: “I know I could love you much better than this.”

Listen when: you are sad about your relationship and want to wallow a bit (may make you sadder)

4) Where My Heart Will Take Me, Russell Watson

Like most people who know this song, I first heard it in the title sequence for Star Trek: Enterprise (a hugely underrated series, in my humble opinion).  It is very different from the title sequence of any other Star Trek, but I love it.  The sequence itself is a tribute to human innovation and our explorer’s spirit (as is the fan-made version above), but that’s a story for another day.  This is about the song.  It’s a song that always fills me with hope, courage to continue, and makes me think that maybe something better is just around the corner.  It inspires me to keep going.  It’s just very positive.

The original title sequence was a very truncated version of the song – the one I’ve put here is the full version.

It’s been a long road
Getting from there to here
It’s been a long time
But my time is finally near
And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing’s in my way
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No, they’re not gonna hold me down
‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
It’s been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day
And I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No, they’re not gonna change my mind
‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
I’ve known the wind so cold, I’ve seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change
I’ve been through the fire and I’ve been through the rain
But I’ll be fine
‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got strength of the soul
No one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
It’s been a long road

My favourite line: “I’ve got faith to believe I can do anything”

Listen when: You need someone to believe in you

5) Healing Incantation, sung by Mandy Moore in Tangled

I’m a big fan of Disney, and Tangled is, if not my favourite, definitely near the top of the list for me.  It’s so pretty!  Flynn is so funny!  Gothel is so wicked!  Rapnuzel’s hair!  The lanterns!  I love it.

Anyway, this song really, really resonates with me.  When she sings it, I think along with it like a prayer.

Flower, gleam and glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
Heal what has been hurt
Change the Fates’ design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine
What once was mine

Favourite line: “Bring back what once was mine”

Listen when: You really, desperately want healing

 

Courage, Dear Heart

William Tecumseh Sherman (a general in the American Civil War, among other things), described courage as “a perfect sensibility of the measure of danger, and a mental willingness to endure it.”  I think that’s a good, if slightly narrow definition, as it takes courage to face hardship, humiliation and pain just as much as danger.  Either way, it’s a quality vital to the chronically ill.  It takes courage to live every day with discomfort and sickness.  That’s why it was my theme for February.  Below are all the quotes I’ve written in my journal this month.  My journal also helpfully inserted on of it’s own: “Life shrinks or expands in proportion with one’s courage” – Anais Nin.

I chose courage as the theme for February because I think we really start to need it now.  The first rush of hope that comes with the new year has faded and we are faced with the reality of life going on, as it does.  It can be a painful come-down from January, and I find myself needing a little bit of courage to push through it.

As with January and its theme of “hope“, I’ve tried for a range of quotes that capture a lot of different aspects of courage – what it means, how you get it, what it does, why it is important, and what things require it.

If you are wondering why the picture for this article is a handsome little black and white mouse on a luxurious red mouse-sofa, it is because that is my dear departed mouselet Napoleon, whose namesake was, whilst unfortunately French, undeniably brave.  My little mousey Napoleon was also extremely brave, and though trying to take on my rats (at least ten times his size, in one case) was a perfectly reasonable move.  He never actually managed to get them, and instead lived a life of luxury, got quite chubby, and died at the ripe old age of two and a half.  He was adorable and I loved him.

Anyway.  Courage.

  1. “Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities…because it is the quality which guarantees all others.”  – Winston Churchill
  2. “It requires more courage to suffer than to die.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
  3. “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu
  4. “Success is not final, fear is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill
  5. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.   You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.'” – Eleanor Roosevelt
  6. “Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts.  That’s what little girls are made of.” – Bethany Hamilton
  7. “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” – Bruce Lee
  8. “We don’t develop courage by being happy every day.  We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” – Barbara de Angelis
  9. “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what is takes to sit down and listen.” – Winston Churchill
  10. “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – e e cummings
  11. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr
  12. “Efforts and courage are not enough with purpose and direction.” – John F Kennedy
  13. “Courage is grace under pressure.” – Ernest Hemingway
  14. “The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.” – Robert Green Ingersoll
  15. “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T. S. Eliot
  16. “One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential.  Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency.  We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous or honest.” – Maya Angelou
  17. “Have the courage to say no.  Have the courage to face the truth.  Do the right thing because it is right.  These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.” – W. Clement Stone
  18. “From caring comes courage.” – Lao Tzu
  19. “Courage is contagious.  When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” – Billy Graham
  20. “The truth is: belonging starts with self-acceptance.  Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.” – Brene Brown
  21. “It took me realising that a broken heart has never actually killed anyone to find the courage to ask for what I want, in just about ever situation.  That was part of my own growing up.” – Ginnifer Goodwin
  22. “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.” – C. S. Lewis
  23. “Amongst the qualities a hero should have, I would include determination, loyalty, courage, perseverance, patience, focus, intrepidity, and selflessness.” – Ricky Martin
  24. “I believe that my worth is not measured by what I do, by the honours that are bestowed upon me, or by material wealth that I might obtain.  Instead, I am measured by the courage I show while standing for my beliefs, by the dedication I exhibit to ensure my word is good, and the resolve I undertake to establish my actions and deeds as honourable.” – Burgess Owens
  25. “Courageous people do not fear forgiving, for the sake of peace.” – Nelson Mandela
  26. “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown
  27. “God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.” – Chester W. Nimitz
  28. “Have courage and be kind.” – Cinderella

The hardest part about this list is keeping it to just 28.  There are so many things to be said on this theme.  Do you have a favourite?

Stay brave, my friends.  Come back next month for March’s theme: kindness.